Biker Jokes

Biker Jokes
Got a good biker joke, that is not too untastful (hard huh) then please send it in to postmaster@local28forr.com Three Cajuns go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, Henri, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I just graduated from Nichols State in Thibodaux, Louisiana and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Henri’s forgiveness, and release him. The second, Gaston, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I just graduated from McNeese State in Lake Charles, Louisiana and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him. The last one, Boudreaux, is strapped in and he says, "Well, den, I'm from the University of Louisiana in Lafayette and I just graduated wit ma degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug dis ting in." Biker Down A biker and his ole lady are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The biker picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the ole lady. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', she demands, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the bike. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she replies. The Biker retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.' BIKER DOWN, AISLE 7 A tough looking group of Bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man gets off his bike and says "what are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide" she said While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked..."well before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does....And it was a long deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, " Wow! Tha was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American Biker sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Biker kicked his boots off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." " Don't get up," said the Biker, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Biker's boot and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Biker obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other boot and spat in it. When the Biker returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Biker slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?" On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks. A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker". JUST SAY NO! A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back" "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!! This Biker was dating this gorgeous chick for he first time. After a nice dinner, they retired to his apartment. Soon, the effect from the spicy dinner (Taco Bell) started to over come the young lady, who did not want to let loose on the first date (I believe that happens after the third) and miss a chance to ride on the back of a HOG. Seeing a piano in the corner, she asks her date if she can play a song she had written. Wanting to please her, he told her to please play. She sat down, and said this was a song she had written herself. She strummed the keys from one end of the piano to the other, slammed down on the keys at the same time letting one rip, covered by the loud explosive piano notes. She looked at her new found steel horse rider, and asked, "What do you think baby? He asked” What do you call that" She replied" I call it THE STORM" Should i play it again? "Certainly" Still focused upon her breasts at this time Again she strummed aimlessly on the key and again slammed down to cover another anal explosion. "What do you think about that lover, should I play it again?" (As the three layer Chalupa built up again) Looking kind of shocked, he looked at her, "so you call that The Storm huh?" "Yes dear" He replied" I think it was great, but can you play it again without the part where the lighting hits the ST House?" Bikers in Heaven Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Bikers up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots, and chasing the sheep; they're wearing Dew Rags and Baseball Caps instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom. There are sun flower seeds and hot wing bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; they refuse to walk and insist on bringing their "Hogs" with them." The Lord said, "Bikers are Biker, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello --- hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Bikers have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE AN OLD BIKER (not that any of y'all are old) Biker George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Because I'm a Man Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion. ________________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. ______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly). _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. ______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. _______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. ______________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? _____________________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. This has been a public service message for women to better understand men HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ************************************ Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products ************************************ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ********************************* Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ********************************* Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good! ************************************ Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ************************************ Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. ********************************* Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! *********************************** Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Wal Mart when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. There is a sticker on the windshield that says when to do this. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee:$1.00 Total:$21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can toavoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI:$2500.00 Impound fee:$75.00 Bail:$1500.00 Beer:$20.00 2-Year DUI Insurance: $8,000.00 Total:$12,145.00 But you know the job was done right A nasty old biker named "TAZ" walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"